i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
