I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
