you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
