it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
