my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
