Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize