I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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