I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
