I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
