Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
