I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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