i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize