My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
