remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
