i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Im part way to drunk.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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