Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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