This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
