Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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