my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
