I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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