I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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