so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
