Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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