i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize