I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
