I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
