I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
