They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
