The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
