You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Randomize
