dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
