I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
