I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I can text with my tongue
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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