just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
