and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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