Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
