his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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