Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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