There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
