we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
