how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
