you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Randomize
