Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
