I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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