I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
