her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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