I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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