I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
