im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
