He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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