At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
