just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
