she woke up with a sticky ear
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
