his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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