haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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