On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
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