i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she peed on how many people?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
