if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
