It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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